Friday, September 5, 2008


For those of you who have been following the presidential race, you know that there has been much recent discussion as to rather Sarah Palin has the experience to be vice president. The Democrats obviously started the discussion, claiming that the Alaska governor and former small-town mayor is unqualified for the position. The Republicans, predictably enough, responded that she does have the qualifications for the job, even more so than Barack Obama does for the presidency.

Frankly, I would like to see the Democrats focusing on two aspects of Sarah Palin's persona that the Republicans would have difficulty repsonding to:

1. She is a Republican. Too many Democrats are saying things like "I respect Sarah Palin as a person, but her experience is much too meager for the vice-presidency." How about something like "I respect Sarah Palin as a person, but she is unqualified for the vice-presidency because she is even more of a Republican than John McCain."

2. She is clearly insane. Her lies and stretched-truths about Obama notwithstanding, just look at the names of her children: Track, Trig, Piper, Willow, and Bristol. Is she trying to rob them of all their dignity? Those sounds like nicknames that drug-addicted celebrities would give to their illegimate children, not the names of members of the Second Family of the United States.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I might be a horrible person...

Though I have already expressed this in confidence to a select few, I would like to take this time to publicly announce what I plan to do with my life after I leave college.

My ambition was inspired by the story of Eric Moussambani, a man from Equatorial Guinea who, though a mediocre swimmer, swam in the 2000 Olympics under an initiative to allow people from less developed nations with few training facilities to participate in the games.

If this program still exists, I would like to take advantage of it. I will become a citizen of an obscure nation (preferably in the middle of the Pacific Ocean), and will somehow persuade the IOC to let me be the first person from this country to compete in the Olympics in table tennis. In the weeks leading up to the games, I will train for the competition in this nation and, in the meantime, will somehow arrange to have hundreds of ping-pong tables shipped to this nation to start a tradition of table tennis Olympians from this nation.

My second choice sport is team handball, which, as it has been revealed to me, can be seen along with all the other Olympic sports you never see on TV...

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Mixed-Up Priorities

Ever since this year's Wimbledon, I've been following men's professional tennis pretty closely. Today, I was excited to discover that Rafael Nadal would be playing Novak Djokovic in the semifinals of the Cincinnati Masters. Yes, Nadal, who recently defeated five-time defending champion Roger Federer in an epic five-set Wimbledon final and who will become the number one player in the world in the upcoming weeks, against Djokovic, the world's third ranked player and Australian Open champion. Surely a match of this caliber comes around only once every month or so and deserves to be shown on network TV, yes?

Scouring today's TV sports listings, I discovered that the match would indeed be televised live at 9 PM...on ESPN2. Balls. I do not receive ESPN2. Granted, it is rare that one of the major networks would telesive a tennis match in primetime...but Saturday isn't much of a TV night anyway, and the programs that are airing at that time on the networks are less-than stellar:

TV listings for 9 PM, Saturday 8/02/08

ABC: Wipeout (Repeat)
CBS: Flashpoint (Repeat)
FOX: America's Most Wanted (New)
NBC (this one kills me): WWE Saturday Night Main Event (New)

Professional wrestling?! Incredible. And if that isn't enough of a travesty, NBC is airing at 2 PM today a horse race called "the Hambletonian." What, you ask, is the Hambletonian? Here's what Wikipedia has to say:

"The Hambletonian is a United States harness racing event held annually for three-year-old trotting standardbreds. The race is named for the famous trotting horse, Hambletonian 10 (1849-1876), from whose four sons, the lineage of virtually all American standardbred race horses can be traced. It is the most coveted North American race for trotters; among races for pacers, only the Little Brown Jug is as prestigious.

"The Hambletonian is the first, and most prestigious event in the United States Trotting Triple Crown races."

Confused, I turned to the official Hambletonian website, where a picture told me all I needed to know:

Evidently, NBC Sports considers both a bizarre, Ancient Rome-style chariot race and this:

worth airing, but not the semifinals of an American tennis tournament featuring nine of the world's top ten players.

Some might argue that tennis doesn't have much appeal in America. If that were true, then why would the Federer-Nadal Wimbledon final have made the cover of a recent Sports Illustrated, where it was labeled the greatest tennis match ever played?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

omg n3\/\/ pollzorz.

Following the "success" of last week's poll, here is a new poll that was inspired by a blurb from a recent issue of Wired. I hope JV appreciates this one.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


The organization at which I've been volunteering has had me compile a list of contact information for all the media outlets in the state so that they know where to send their press releases. One of those media outlets was the Connecticut Conference of the United Church of Christ, who publishes a community affairs newsletter of sorts.

This conversation (or something very similiar) took place after I dialed what I presumed to be the CTUCC phone number:

Unofficial sounding voice on the other end: Hello?

Me: Um... Is this the Connecticut Conference of the United Church of Christ?

Him: Excuse me?

Me: Um... I was calling for the Connecticut Conference of the United Church of Christ, but it looks like I have the wrong number...

Him: What organization are you calling for?

Me: (Confused pause) I...don't understand what you mean...

Him: What are you calling for?

Me: I was calling to speak to someone from your newsletter to find out who to send press releases to.

Him: Are you a Born Again?

Me: No...

Him: Have you been touched by salvation?

Me: No...

Him: Do you believe in God?

Me: Yes.

Him: Do you believe in Jesus Christ?

Me: Yes. (Maybe if I continue with their charade, they'll finally give me the email address I need...)

Him: Do you believe he died on the cross?

Me: (Another confused pause) This isn't really helping me right now, so I'm going to try another number.

Him: Hey! What if you died today?... (his voice fades away as I hang up the phone)

Could the Mormons really be that obtuse and intrusive? Apparently not, because when I checked their website, I realized that the number I had was off by a digit and an area code. The real Mormons turned out to be quite friendly and helpful.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Seven Things That You Should Join Me in Complaining About

1. ...Why don't we light things on fire while we're at it?

It's happened. A wiffle ball field built by a group of Greenwich teenagers in an abandoned piece of public land has been demolished by town officials. Neighboring property owners complained that the kids who were using the field were being too noisy. Greenwich officials say that it was also a "liability" for the town.

As if that isn't enough to make your blood boil, here's a quote from one of the neighbors:

"Most of the people I know and I've grown a family, stop playing wiffle ball when they're 12 years old, I mean, this is just a farce to do something else."

Something else...? I'm trying to imagine what is going through this woman's head:

Teen 1: "Here's an idea! Why don't we spend three weeks clearing all the shrubbery from this abandoned field and erecting fences to turn it into a wiffle ball field that looks like Fenway Park? We'll invite a bunch of friends, head over there in broad daylight, and, while some of us are playing wiffle ball, the rest of us can sneak into the surrounding bushes to binge drink and have underage sex!"

Teen 2: "Sounds super! This will be the least labor-intensive and most subtle way to engage in all sorts of illicit activities!"

Disregarding the stupidity of her remark, it's disappointing that this woman would make an unfounded, negative assumption about an entire group of people. What's stuns me, though, is that there are people like this who have so little faith in our nation's youth. Apparently, though, the kids have gotten back by wearing T-shirts that say, "I'm over 12 and I still play wiffle ball."

2. China hosting the Olympics

According to this, 1.5 million Chinese citizens have been evicted from their residences to make room for Olympic facilities and have received insufficient to no compensation for their losses. That's nearly half the population of Connecticut. Under any circumstances, it's an incredible violation of human rights, but for the Olympics? Aren't they supposed to be about world...goodness?

3. Speculation that [British Open winner] would not have won the British Open if Tiger were playing

Tiger Woods was not arrested, kidnapped, or otherwise involuntarily restrained from competing in the British Open. No, Tiger chose not to compete because, due to his injury, he knew he would be unable to win. He essentially forfeited his opportunity to become champion. Padraig Harrington does not deserve for his achievement - defeating the best golfers in the world to win this year's championship - to be diminished.

4. Did you hear? John McCain is old! Hahaha...!

Jokes like this - driven into the ground by late night talk show hosts - stopped being entertaining months ago. Besides, I'm sure they could take a much bigger swing at him. He is a Republican, after all...

5. Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

I saw this piece on TV explaining that, while many solidiers have been returning to Iraq for second and third tours of duty, thousands of gay soldiers are leaving/being discharged due to this archaic policy. The logic? Allowing gays to serve would make the troops less cohesive... which is somehow worse than have thousands fewer soldiers. Hmm.

6. Commercials, especially those for cars and department stores

No, Mazda and Old Navy, your rapidly flashing screens and loud, irritating music are not making me want to purchase your product. TV ads need to be slow-paced, off-beat, and/or humorous to attract anyone's attention. And don't get me started on the local ads. Bob's Dodge, for one, claims that Bob "just wants to get me 'a loan.' " (Tied to a chair in a dark room? I don't want to imagine...)

7. The efforts of right-wing, Christian news agencies to shield our minds from heresies

This gaffe has been picked up by tons of superior blogs and by Jay Leno's "Headlines." One News Now is a news agency that reprints articles from the AP and other sources but alters them to make them Christian-friendly. Among other things, they apparently use a program to automatically replace "offensive" words with ones that they consider more appropriate. You can imagine readers' surprise, then, when they discovered that sprinter "Tyson Homosexual" (not Tyson Gay) won the 100 meter dash at the U.S. Olympic Trials... (Click here for hilarious excerpts.)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Exciting New Feature!

Great news, loyal reader(s?)! This blog will now feature an irregularly updated poll for your amusement. The current poll is both a nod to the upcoming Olympic Games and a tribute to a Greenwich wiffle ball field which is about to meet its unfortunate demise.

Vote now or be smitten.